Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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