I just cut my nipple shaving
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Vodka?
Forever.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
