Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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