Pants 0. Shit 1.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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