Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
