I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
