omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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