Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
