Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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