I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
