this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
