i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
