I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize