why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
