cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
