Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
