Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
