my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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