We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
