Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
