Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
