He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
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