dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
