he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
