Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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