Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
