Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
