now i know why i became what i already was.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
