hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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