dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I sprained my soul last night
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
