I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
