I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
