i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
