if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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