I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I forgot how hot balto sounded
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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