I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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