She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Is it penis luge time yet?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
