escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
