I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm passing your future prison.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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