Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
