your parents love me but you hate me
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
