Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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