If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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