I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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