So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
