drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
