she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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