I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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