...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
