I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
