I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
