Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I smell like Dick and happiness
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
