Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
