why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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