the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
