i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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