god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i think my tv is drunk
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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