so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
