so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
