Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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