Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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