It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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