I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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