my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
