i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
