I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
